They tell me I’m too forward. They tell me that makes me scary.
“Get some social skills, please. You’re needy, pushy, annoying, you try to get attitude and argue over everything. Honestly you should just kill yourself.”
Yeah, some of them have said that to me.
They tell me that I don’t say sorry.
They tell me that I give no fucks.
Truthfully… I still see no problem with it.
“People wish they were like that,” they say. “They’re jealous because they can’t get away with half the shit you’ve done and that’s what makes you a savage.”
I tell them I love them. Haters and lovers.
You’re so scared of society. You think you can put me in a box. You can’t do that to creative people, or to people in general. I’ll always find a way to break out.
I’m not the type to run away from my problems. I face them, and I deal with them.
I know that I come off strong, but I know that I’m good inside. I know that because I’ve taken the time to look inward. They don’t realize that being good requires you to do that.
They don’t know how to be alone. They are afraid of sitting in a room alone. They become dependent on friends because they are afraid of seeing the bad parts of themselves. So they put on a front. They haven’t learned how to build character on their own. They’re afraid of people who will point out their mistakes. They are afraid of failure.
They don’t realize that life is a process. We’re always fluctuating. We can’t control ourselves as much as we’d like to sometimes and when you try to control yourself too much to be perfect while you’re still growing and maturing, that makes you bitter, jealous, and envious.
They haven’t understood yet that being free is about making mistakes. It’s about putting yourself out there, it’s about being uncomfortable. The reason why I’ve gotten away with so much and why I haven’t apologized for being who I am is because I know I’m still learning. I know I’m making mistakes. I’m not letting my mistakes define me because I’m constantly gaining definition in so many aspects of myself.
Living in my house has been challenging because my parents were strict. I wished I was able to live my life outside of college, and I admit I was wild.
But I’m grateful that I’ve used my time to help achieve a balance. I can distinguish what and who is best for me, and what/who isn’t. This time is especially crucial for my growth, and I think that I am blessed to have grown up the way I did because this double life has helped me acknowledge that trust, understanding, and compromise thoroughly help me in my interpersonal relationships and in my relationship with myself.
I pray that you, Inshallah, see how adaptable you are to change the parts of yourself that are toxic as I’ve done. I pray that you will not be in denial of yourself. Because once you are in denial of yourself, you render yourself vulnerable and content. Once you are vulnerable and content, you are no better than animals that are slaughtered to put on our dinner tables. Many people I know have been raised to singularly give and have never given back. In doing so, they vegetate at their own hand, delusional to the true source of happiness.
That’s something that can never die, no matter how badly you want me killed.
So sorry for being honest.
Just kidding 🙂