Dear Father

Yet another morning where you wake up and leave.

I remember when I was younger, I would run to your room and try on your glasses. I’d watch you pray. You would pray that your daughter would grow up to be just like you.

But when I grew older, I disagreed with you on many things. I became more and more different from you, more different than I expected, and you told me to go to hell. You shamed me, from my body to my heart.

I know you’re hurting inside at the moment, Dad. You used to love me. You used to be my confidant, and I said I’d be yours. But things got crazy when you tested my loyalty. When you showed me what a man could be. You crossed the line when you made my mother cry. That’s when I knew she needed me.

You come into the house every day now, bringing food for Bobby. You don’t ask anyone how their days are, you expect them to ask you while you sit on the couch, glancing at your phone from time to time while CNN is on. Only taking FaceTime calls from your other family. I blocked them from my phone because like you, they don’t want to get to know me.

I don’t know why you were ever surprised that I hid my engagement from you. Yes, you found out through Facebook. You make it awkward for me to tell you anything anymore. We do not speak. You have not apologized for shunning me because I’m me. And that’s why I didn’t tell you because you don’t get to be a part of only a fragment of someone’s life. You’re either all in, or you’re all out. That’s something that dealing with men has taught me.

The last vacation we went on, I made sure I was listening to music because now your voice brings me pain. People say I look like you, but they have not heard my voice boom. I sound like you.

I don’t know if you ever prayed for me. But I forgive you, and I pray for you. Maybe one day you’ll call me to ask how I’m doing, like you did every few months. You knew a different world than I did, and I don’t blame you for it. But you need to learn that I’m a reflection of your pain, and you need to learn how to deal with that because once you do, I’ll be the love you seek and like a boomerang I will bring the love you give back to you.

 

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