“I still love you. I just wanted you to know I’m not well. I’m sick, and I’m trying to get okay. So anything I said or reacted to, I wasn’t trying to make it about myself at all. I’m sorry, but I didn’t mean for you to feel alone or bad or like I didn’t care. It was never that I didn’t care. I just have to get it together. Like I didn’t wanna tell you, fucking like it’s just embarrassing for me to tell you that shit is not well. Anyway, if I made you feel like you were alone or didn’t care about you, I’m sorry. People like you are so strong and confident in themselves. You’re fucking amazing, it’s hard for me to come to you and say I’m growing the fuck up right now…but I can’t help you at the moment. Depression gets the best of me and I don’t talk to anyone…I wanna make sure you’re good and just let you know it wasn’t bs. It’s not like I don’t wanna see you bc of some trivial reason, dude I can’t even go to the grocery store or the mall when I want to. It’s nothing like that. I don’t wanna talk to anybody. I can’t even describe how I feel. I just would like to die, but I will not give up ever. But yeah. I love you. I’m sorry.”
After I listened to her speak, I began coming up with ideas as to how she felt because I’ve been there too.
According to the World Health Organization (WHO), approximately 300 million people globally are fighting the same battle and are feeling like they are trapped in their own web.
Depression is crippling. Once it embodies you, you feel like you are your own worst enemy. It’s more than feeling, though. Depression is something that intrinsically changes your way of thinking. It anchors you beneath the earth. You feel as though you’re being buried alive. You don’t scream for help, because what’s the point? You can’t put in the effort, so you embrace the isolation. It’s a mix of not wanting to pressure people, but at the same time you want to feel something. But the worst part is, you can’t because you don’t want to be yourself.
You tell yourself countless times that you don’t care. When people ask you if you’re doing alright, your walls become even more impenetrable. Because depression causes trust issues. You don’t trust yourself, so how the hell are you supposed to trust someone who wants to know what’s going on in your head…?
You don’t. You shut them out. You don’t give them a chance to speak, a chance to help you when what you need most is reassurance that you’re okay, and if you’re not okay, then you WILL be okay. You shut out sources of positivity when you need that the most, because you haven’t learned about yourself well enough yet to embrace yourself. And deep down you know that you can never truly feel happiness unless you allow yourself to accept every light and dark shade of your emotions.
It gets to the point where we develop unhealthy obsessions with finding an escape from the hell we put ourselves through, and most of those outlets damage us more. But we don’t care because it helps us feel something, anything to fill the emptiness.
If you are suffering from depression, I want to tell you that you are brave for understanding and accepting that you have it. Depression becomes a lifelong responsibility to handle, because it’s capable of destroying relationships of every kind. You need to remember that once your relationship with yourself is damaged, then you are only in a disposition to destroy others. In order to stop spreading this negativity, you need to acknowledge that the problem is there and you need to work through it.
The first step is showing yourself unconditional love. Find a strength that you’re good at, and become exceptional at it. Use that skill to help others. Learn about yourself. Once you understand yourself more, you won’t hold others culpable for how you feel.
Apologize to others when you’re ready. Understand that depression naturally coerces us to revert back to our inner child. We want affection, but most of all we want to feel validated. Start by validating yourself, and seek support. Understand that there are people who have the best intentions for you, and that we are all trying to relate to one another. Once we start listening to others’ stories, then that will help us become more interested in interacting with others and understanding that we are all the same inside.